the next day

such sweet and prompt response to my new venture.

a quick note to agents and publishing entitys.
(i heard the nervous undertones in your emails)
it’s not that i don’t want to “fucking write my book”, i do.

it’s that this is new for me.
and i get afraid of new things.
i think to much about them.
worry about my shortcomings.
make up a whole lot more of them than i actually have.
i lose faith in myself.
wonder why anyone else has any… faith.
and i stop doing the new thing.

i’m afraid for the same reasons any of us are.
it’s nothing unique.
fear of not being able to do the thing.
fear it will suck.
fear i’ll get laughed at.
fear it will just be to hard to accomplish.

so i distract.
i run errands, i organize closets, i diet, i exercise, i do anything to feel different.
and not start that new thing.

yesterday, after i outed myself,
to more than just a best friend or a sponsor,
by starting this blog,
i did some writing for my book.
for more than the half an hour i’d committed to.
it felt really good.

there’s something i heard in a recovery room years ago.
i’m paraphrasing but something like..
“where there is a commitment, god intervenes.”
be it commitment to recovery, to your husband, to your dream.

and i really do believe that with that intervention there is protection.
a nice cozy place to warm my fear.

again, thank-you for witnessing.

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