a few thoughts on surrender.

i just bought a magazine i would never buy.
it’s cover claimed to “anti-age” me.
in bright bold print it screamed at me how these few steps promised to actually “slow down the process”.

i bit.
i bought.
asshole.
i don’t give a shit about anything else in this home improvement mag.
i’ll glance at the “new products” and toss it.

i’m a sucker for any new claim that i can “anti-age”.
any new product, skin procedure, friendly piece of advice.
anything that soothes me in my most self critical moments.

those promises speak to my outsides.
youth being the holy grail and all…
i drink the kool-aid.
my insides, are joyous and grateful for the years i wear.
what i know, where i’ve been.
what’s been given and what’s been taken away.
i just wish the look of wisdom didn’t get saggy!

it’s on my mind more lately.
cause guess what?
i’m fucking getting older!

this morning i am able to observe my worry.
my fear of what it means.
how it makes me feel.
like i’m disappearing.
my self-obsession…

and notice how it clashes with my practice, my desire, my prayer for surrender.
it really does.
it clashes.
and its hard for me to do.
release and accept my moving parts.

surrender is the sweet spot.
i’ve learned it over and over in my life.
to surrender outcomes, bad habits, weird people, self-obsession…whatever.
yet, it never seems like it’s the way to go or that it will work.

seems to easy… sort of stupid.
to just let go.
straining to change what is, has momentum, movement, energy.
kind of feels invigorating.
gives me something to do, to work towards.
gives me wheels to spin.
simply giving up?
surrendering? feels passive.
unproductive, still.

still scares me.

there are alot of hours to fill in a day.
alot of days in a week.
lots of weeks in a year.

if i actually lived in a surrendered place, what would i do with all that time??
reach enlightenment?
really?
sounds boring.

i kinda dig my tortured, chaotic thoughts.
they work for me.
something about the process of getting them to shut-up that teaches me what i need to know.
they serve a purpose.

it’s the seeking surrender that holds the gold.
it’s the process of letting go that speaks loudest.

LOVE THIS.
“ring the bells that still can ring,
forget your perfect offering.
there is a crack, a crack in everything.
that’s how the light gets in”

Leonard Cohen